; Megnificent ♥

I know we don’t talk anymore, and when we actually do have the chance, we don’t ever say much. But don’t forget me, please. I hope things can go back to how they were last time when we were close and talked about everything and anything. But for now, I miss you super a lot.

I’m glad things are cool. Don’t ever let it get screwed up okay okay. I think I won’t be able to take it alrdy, I kid you not!

My 17th birthday was nothing short of great. No big party or anything, just small things that made my day Thank you everyone who made my day special, love you guys so much <3

I know you read this, and you’ll prolly see this, but I can’t bring myself to talk to you right now. Blogs are useful aren’t they?

Don’t turn around and get all pissy at me okay, cos just half a year ago you were saying the complete opposite of what you are now. You said screw this shit and go, stuff it all of you you piss me off. Why be affected and not do what your actually do what you are supposed to, when you can be comfortable and do what your really meant to be doing? And I agree, completely.

But now you come and turn the  tables on me and its freaking hard already without you coming and making things worse. I thought you would be some kind of voice of reason but you just make this so much more complicated than it already is. Your becoming one of the people you told me to say “get lost” to. I don’t understand; okay maybe your coming back, that is good, really it is, and I am happy for you, but now you become one of them? The ones “spreading the filth around” as you put it. But I don’t even know what to think anymore, I’ve tried cutting myself off but obviously I came back.

Talk about role reversal, who’s the one who’s gone 180 on me.
Don’t go on like I’m the only one, what about the others? The ones your supposed to be close to, don’t really think much about them do you? Why? Cos I’m the only one stupid enough to come back and care, and when I do I get whacked for how little I do that. But did you notice that I even came in the first place? If everyone’s so worried, go figure out the rest before you come worrying about little ol’ me, the only one who’s been around long enough to get pissed off.

Angst over, well maybe not really, I don’t know, I don’t really stay mad at you for long. But, I don’t know. I really don’t, and it sucks not knowing. Don’t be any more pissed at me, please. I don’t think I can take anymore.

Its like the world’s moving on without me. Screw this.

Ever felt alone in a crowded room? I have, and I don’t like it. It’s like watching a movie, a movie that you used to have a role in, but somehow the writers must have killed off your character, cos you don’t fit in anywhere anymore.

It sucks but I’ve been feeling so very alone recently. I’ve still got the same people I know, but things just seem to be breaking down on me. I don’t have anyone I can tell stuff to, anyone I’m really myself around. There’s always something I have to cover up, if not they’ll think know how awful I am. I can’t tell A that I am Completely and Utterly disgusted by B; I can’t tell C that my friendship with A is dying; I can’t tell B that I think C doesn’t like me; I can’t tell freaking anyone anything, so I’m resorting to beating around the bush and coming up with code names and writing mysteriously on this blog. How wonderful is my life?

I am so tired of everything. Mentally and emotionally drained, enough is enough! I want to say that, but sometimes there are certain things that you just can’t do. Things that would be rude or disrespectful.
Ever had those movie moments? When you play out what you WANT to do in a situation, then you blink and reality is staring you in the face and you can’t do anything but the “right” thing. I have myself on a mental leash 24/7 nowadays, so I don’t go berserk and flip out on anyone.
Running away, not as hard as I thought.

I’m becoming such an annoying person. I annoy myself.
But Thank God I have a few wonderful, unchanging people that keep me sane and happy.

Inspired. Read.

Today was a moderately bad day. I was okay surface-wise but its been a sad day. Leaving the holidays behind is always a gross feeling. Especially now, when the first day of school spells E-X-A-M-S, and my holidays have been absolutely kickass. I want my holidays back, I was so happy then. School makes me Sad.
Life sucks sometimes, I feel so aimless and unmotivated, like what the hell am I doing? Tired too. Rambling I am, Goodnight.

well it’s good to drift once in a while
just remember to come back

I truthfully don’t know what the heck I’m doing, but I think I’m headed back, slowly. Do I want to? God knows its awkward, the fake smiles, the tense silences, the unspoken words just hanging in the air, so obvious they could be in speech bubbles. Why hasn’t anything changed?
I guess I know why, the answer’s nagging at the back of my head. “Cos you didn’t do anything, Megan. You could have, but when it came down to it you just ran.” So I’m a runner, I’ve always been, and now that Someone’s coming to me with the same problem I had, I realize I can’t advise him or guide him which is what I really need and want to do. ‘Cos when it came time for me to decide, I ran. Don’t do what I did, you deserve and need more than that, go where your heart feels right, not where your head thinks you should.
So, go back? Doesn’t look that good anymore. Take your own advice Meg, you hypocrite, you coward.

Good and Bad always balances out though. Thank you God for that. When things on one side of the scale go down, the other side goes up. And in this case, way up.
Everything last year was, has been swept under the carpet. I don’t know how, but hey, I’m not complaining here. I see traces now and then, but we’re both working towards something better, aren’t we? I’m glad. I guess time does make things better. New is good, new is different, I think I like this new, different thing, it feels right.

Take me somewhere I feel safe, secure, somewhere that doesn’t have so many layers, somewhere where things are just what they are, what they appear to be, somewhere that doesn’t have so much politics and doesn’t make things so complicated.
Take me to a Disney movie or something, things are good in Disney movies, there are happy endings. There’s a problem but it always gets fixed.
Take me there, someone? Anyone?

Reading my previous post made me a little embarrassed kind of, I sound really distressed and emotional. I realize that it really wasn’t the incident that made me upset, but more of what/who it reminded me of.
So, not to worry. Those who actually know what the incident was, fret not, I am not so retarded to be upset about such a trivial thing.

Recently I’ve spent a little more time with a group I’ve drifted from. I miss things with them, talking, laughing, about anything and everything. These people I know I can actually trust, people who, despite what they seem to be, actually care and look out for me, and though they may sometimes seem to be changing, I can rest assured that they’ll always be the same.

I have so much to say, so many things I’m thinking about right now, but they don’t really have anything to do with what I’ve said, so another time.

Today I felt like my stomach dropped out of my system. Ultimate Deja Vu, and it wasn’t pretty. Its an awful awful feeling, something I remember feeling 2 years ago, and hoped to God I would NEVER feel again. But who knew?
Thoughts of before just came flooding back to me today, it made me feel worse than ever, just remembering how awful and stupid and blind I felt, how I finally got my head out of the clouds and realized I was really and truly lost.
To realize something wasn’t what you thought it was all along, to realize that things weren’t what they seemed, to realize that what you thought was good turned out to be bad, so, so bad.
To feel like a gullible little child, when you thought things were going perfectly, when you thought someone cared, when you thought that for once, things were going to turn out fine, and have those thoughts killed in one swift blow.

At least that didn’t happen today, for which I am so so thankful, that I’ve managed to keep things to a simple level, where it doesn’t hurt so bad.
Though that came back today. Not as bad as before of course, never; but pretty darn close.

I’ve told myself before, don’t get so affected by things, cos everything is temporal, what you think is the most important thing today, may as well mean nothing to you tomorrow. It hurts now, but don’t make a big deal about it, cos it will go away. Now of course, it seems like the only thing you can think of, the only thing that fills your mind, what you think of anytime you have a spare moment. But it will go away, and you’ll realize what an idot you were to care so much before.

A small part of me wants to throw away all that I felt, how I was happy and stupid, but most  of me just wants to carry on because it makes me happy on that superficial level that matters so much to me.

Why I am I always so easily affected.

I haven’t been here in a while. I usually come here when I feel less superficial, when I actually have stuff to think about, that I need to think about, that I can’t find an outlet for. Now’s a time.
It’s ironic though, I’ve been feeling a little happier lately. School’s been fun, on the fun part; the work part, not so good, but I’m dealing with that, kind of :B It doesn’t take much to make me smile now, it’s fun to be this kind of person again, makes life seem so much simpler and happy.

But. Drifting. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Sucks really, not being around people that I used to be close to, used to mean more to me. Half of me is sad that I’ve drifted, but the other half is being stubborn, not wanting to do anything about it, cos I don’t think it’s entirely my fault. And now, I really don’t know which side to slap and shut up, which side to listen to. Life is weird that way.

I’ve always believed in “Absense makes the heart grow fonder” (As well as vice versa. But that’s another (long)story.) But it hasn’t really kicked in yet. I’m feeling pangs that hurt when I realize that things are going on, moving on without me, I feel sad when I see people getting on fine without me there.
But there it is again, Change, my old friend. And I think I’ve learnt to deal with it, really.
I hear someone in the back of my head going, “Deal with it Meg, that’s life, it going to be like that whether you like it or not.” That makes me sad too, cos it’s been forever since I’ve heard something like that from someone like that.

Well I am dealing with it. Tuck it away in some corner, to block out or to keep and cherish, whatever, but get on with life.

On another note, I am glad I have superficial things to make me happy. Yes, back to my happy, simple life blog now.

The world is a gross place.
I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling so down in the dumps and grumpy to the max. Sucks really.

Sometimes people let you down, they give you false hope that something good might actually happen, but nothing ever does. False pretences really, but sometimes its unintentional, which makes it all the more worse, cos you never really mattered in the first place.

I’m talking in circles again. Feel like having a good cry. But I don’t even have a reason. I think that should be a resolution for me. No more crying unless I have a reason to, and the reason should be thought of beforehand, not just to rationalize my sudden outburst.

Yesterday I was really happy. Today I feel like shaite. And I’m sick.
Sounds corny and lame, but I need happy pills now. Too bad I’m all out No more happy pills, I got expired ones but its retarded to take cos it obviously doesn’t work

ANGSTY ANGSTY ANGSTY The whole world seems to be bloody angsty right now it just sucks so bad, cos if everyone’s angsty, who’s gonna cheer me up