; Megnificent ♥

I’m not going to say I miss you, ‘cos I don’t really. This sounds bad, but it really isn’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, because I really do.

Recently I’ve been asking myself if there is truth in what I call the “opposite” of “Absense makes the heart grow fonder”, someone told me that it’s prolly “Familiarity breeds comtempt” but I don’t think that’s really what I’m trying to get at. What I feel is that when I get suddenly very close to someone, it’s like, “Okay why are we so close? This is weird. Okay that’s enough I don’t really want to be close to you anymore.” And then I just go away. Not really contempt, but something like it.

It’s what’s happened with you now. Don’t really talk to you very much, don’t text you or anything like that, I don’t really want to be around when you are, weird basically. Okay maybe not WEIRD per se but more like, normal, weird considering we used to be considered close.
But it’s happened before, with other friends, but I’ve bounced back from it and we’re awsomely cool nowadays. Maybe that’ll happen with you too, but not now.
I’m happy when I see you talking to my other friends. I wouldn’t have been a few months ago, because you were MY close friend, (haha so childish oh man) But now it’s like, okay good, you found someone else, your happy, that’s good.

Sorry if you felt hurt by anything I did. But I’m apologizing for hurting you, not for what I did. Cos what I did was, I don’t even know what to say about it. It’s just me and my stupidity, I just deal that way. Personality flaw or something, I don’t know, whatever.

Life’s been pretty cool recently.
School’s alright, I got promoted, which is good for me I guess. But what sucks is all the people I know who can’t and who haven’t yet. I can’t exactly tell them to “Cheer up!” cos if it were me I’d prolly punch myself if I said that. The most I can offer is hugs and pats on the head and a listening ear for them to talk to, but I hate that because it just makes me seems so absolutely useless ‘cos I can’t do anything to really help them.
~

I have so much to get off my chest I just want to cry but it’s stupid to ‘cos there really is no reason to. I’m just being wimpy.
The other day I realized how I’ve been slowly phased out of people’s lives. I guess it’s my fault since I haven’t been around, but it was really a slap in the face. I didn’t realize imagine that I’d be unwanted. Unexpected maybe, awkward etc, but not unwanted. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like that, primary school maybe? When it was in the playground on the swings, but who’d have thought that 10 years later your friends do the same thing to you again? The worst part is that talking to You was so terrible, cos I could tell from your tone that you obviously wanted me to get lost but was trying to think of a nice way to put it. I appreciate it, but I’m still hurt as you can imagine. I thought we were cool y’know? Guess not. My desire to make an effort to salvage relations just totally died, cos now I see there’s nothing left to salvage is there? This feeling sucks, if you haven’t already guessed. Sucks.

Even before this stunning revelation, I’ve been missing Them but just never thought about of turning to them cos I thought I still had you. Now it really stings cos I miss them so badly but I don’t know how to go back. The old me would have gone without a backward glance but I don’t know, something’s changed over the past year and that just doesn’t seem like an option now. I hate having regrets, it’s one of the stupidest feelings you can ever have because there is absolutely no use for it. But right now that’s what I’m filled with. What I would give for a time machine. December last year, was messed up, I was emotional, confused maybe? But there was one thing I was sure of, and it was of what made me happy. So extremely and purely happy that it made the other things in life better. I knew what that was. I knew then, I know now, but I’m not doing anything about it. Except sit here and talk about it to a cyber audience I’m not even sure exists.

And You. I don’t know what to do ‘cos I’ve never done anything before. Things just feel weird and I miss you but then it all turns around and then it feels weird and then it starts going in this stupid cycle that doesn’t make sense. But it makes sense to me, ‘cos that’s what I do.

When I get close to somebody I push her away and I don’t trust myself not to do that to you.

-Shane McCutcheon (The L Word)

This sounds familiar.

It’s strange to think about how far we’ve come.
Sitting in Starbucks today looking at photos of people from the past made me glad I’ve learnt to be more open and easy about things, and learnt to laugh. If I’d been more serious about you, it would have gone really bad and we wouldn’t have been able to be like we are now, great. But maybe it’s you that’s the exception; maybe some things in life are just meant to be left the way they are
Maybe it’s good that no one really takes me seriously
People need to learn to lighten up and not take themselves so seriously.
Pretty cool how looking at a bunch of photos can trigger such emotions

Just read through my diary which I’ve kept since 15th of January 2008. It was interesting? Like a novel kind of, even though I’m the author. I usually only write in this diary when I’m especially emotional, good emotional or bad emotional. And reading through 1.5 years in 20 minutes was like watching myself change. My views of people, my mindset, my attitudes, even my self control, like how I face different events that have happened over the past 20 months.
It was an interesting read.

And I’d like to think that i’ve grown up.

I’m realizing all of a sudden that I don’t have anyone to talk to. No one to tell my stuff to cos everyone’s either too distant, too diferent, or just not right.

I miss you, the old you, that was different from the new you. Do I even make sense? I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s almost 1 in the morning and all I can do is sit here and think of you and me.
I’m feeling like a loser again, losing everyone.

I’m scared and it sucks.

I don’t know what’s going on now, its all foreign to me, weird and strange, but nowadays, weird and strange is becoming normal, so I don’t even know what to think anymore. Who’s even genuine in all of this, who really gives a shit? For crying out loud, what the hell is happening?
Paranoia and uncertainty are mixing and I have to admit that for once, I am scared.

Don’t like this “being scared” thing.

Grades are a mess, I’m totally not motivated to study or anything even though I KNOW I’ll retain for sure if I don’t get down to it. Sometimes its like, why am I doing this again? Feels so pointless and I just want to quit school and join the circus and go all over the world or move to Spain and join a dance troupe or something ridiculous like that.
But I’m here now, and I have to do what I’m supposed to. I’m a student and my responsibility now is, to study and do well. SIGH LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES.

~

The other night I was trying to fall asleep and I started thinking about death and why people are afraid of it. I thought about why I don’t want to die, and I think I don’t want to die cos it’ll make other people sad. Sounds so noble and all, but its true!
I’ll go out on a limb here and say that, if I die tomorrow, it’ll prolly make people sad The thought of people crying and mourning for me, lining up to put flowers on my coffin, just gives me chills and I don’t want to be the source of grief for all these people!
So, noble as it may sound, the reason I don’t want to die is because I don’t want to make other people sad. If I were completely alone, I wouldn’t mind, cos if I die, I’ll just be dead.

Then I started thinking that I don’t want to die cos there are so many things that haven’t happened yet. Things I haven’t experienced, like falling in love or breaking a bone or having sex or even just DRIVING; and more importantly: things I haven’t had the chance/courage to do, like tell certain people how much I love them.

And then I think I fell asleep.

This has been a rather morbid post

I know we don’t talk anymore, and when we actually do have the chance, we don’t ever say much. But don’t forget me, please. I hope things can go back to how they were last time when we were close and talked about everything and anything. But for now, I miss you super a lot.

I’m glad things are cool. Don’t ever let it get screwed up okay okay. I think I won’t be able to take it alrdy, I kid you not!

My 17th birthday was nothing short of great. No big party or anything, just small things that made my day Thank you everyone who made my day special, love you guys so much <3

I know you read this, and you’ll prolly see this, but I can’t bring myself to talk to you right now. Blogs are useful aren’t they?

Don’t turn around and get all pissy at me okay, cos just half a year ago you were saying the complete opposite of what you are now. You said screw this shit and go, stuff it all of you you piss me off. Why be affected and not do what your actually do what you are supposed to, when you can be comfortable and do what your really meant to be doing? And I agree, completely.

But now you come and turn the  tables on me and its freaking hard already without you coming and making things worse. I thought you would be some kind of voice of reason but you just make this so much more complicated than it already is. Your becoming one of the people you told me to say “get lost” to. I don’t understand; okay maybe your coming back, that is good, really it is, and I am happy for you, but now you become one of them? The ones “spreading the filth around” as you put it. But I don’t even know what to think anymore, I’ve tried cutting myself off but obviously I came back.

Talk about role reversal, who’s the one who’s gone 180 on me.
Don’t go on like I’m the only one, what about the others? The ones your supposed to be close to, don’t really think much about them do you? Why? Cos I’m the only one stupid enough to come back and care, and when I do I get whacked for how little I do that. But did you notice that I even came in the first place? If everyone’s so worried, go figure out the rest before you come worrying about little ol’ me, the only one who’s been around long enough to get pissed off.

Angst over, well maybe not really, I don’t know, I don’t really stay mad at you for long. But, I don’t know. I really don’t, and it sucks not knowing. Don’t be any more pissed at me, please. I don’t think I can take anymore.

Its like the world’s moving on without me. Screw this.