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Yes it’s 15 days into the new year, and I have finally gotten round to summing up last year. At first I thought “Oh well what’s the big deal, it doesn’t really matter whether or not I write, right?” WRONG, I need closure from this one heck of a year. Here we go.
So, 2011. Big year. Lots of new things, I started driving lessons, got my first job(s), got my driving license (!), permed my hair (twice, and I’m stopping), got my A level results!!! I got into NUS FASS, moved into Eusoff, made lots of new friends, survived my first sem of uni; but ironically though this has been one of the most eventful and memorable years of my life, it feels like one of the shortest too.
Aside from all the big happy memorable things, there was also a ton of other stuff that, let’s just say, I wouldn’t tell my mother. Lots of drama, oh god the drama. Boys are trouble, that’s what ‘ve learnt (haha so cute uh), not to mention crazy ex-es, raging hormones, horny army boys, secrets and lies, etc etc. I make my life sound like a soap, but to be honest, there was a good part of the year when I thought my life would actually make a pretty good plot line for some teen-drama kind of show. This year was a year of growing up, learning new things and seeing the world differently, a bit more cynically.
This year we clubbed a lot. There, I said it, so the people who are judging me, y’all can just stop reading now and go tell my mom and my pastor and the rest of the church so they can stone me hahaha (Y) Okay serious face 8| I think the increased freedom that I get now that I stay in hall is awesome, cos I don’t have to be accountable to my parents about my whereabouts 24/7, which yes, sounds kind of childish, but it’s also taught me responsibility o-KAY (insert angelic-wide-eyed-”who me?” look) And when I say I grew up a lot this year, I grew old too, I can’t last as long as I used to! I’M GETTING OLD I’M GOING TO BE TWENTY MY YOUTH IS FADING AWAY INTO OBLIVION D: (okay the getting old meltdown will need a whole post on its own) I can see it now, by 22 I will have stopped clubbing because I need to be in bed by 12.
A lot of the fun that I had this year (N.B. fun = people = guys = yes yes I know I know) was because of clubbing, and I had some good times with genuinely good people. Jerks and douches are out there, of course, which is probably also why this year I had a “just play play lah” kind of attitude to everything (okay, everyone, same same)
Despite the “play-play” world view, something happened that I really regret – letting myself like someone. I have a love-hate relationship with liking someone, and the whole relationship thing basically. Its wonderful, having someone who you adore, who you can talk to and laugh with, someone that makes you feel all “life is better when I’m with you”; someone whose texts make you grin cornily at your phone; someone who you can call at 2 in the morning crying and they’ll just sit there waiting, listening to you choke out random words that don’t make sense, until they finally start to make sense; someone you can talk to the whole night, and only realize when you see the sun rising; someone who gets you, and you get, and you feel so comfortable, like it was meant to be from the moment you met. But all that jolly happy rainbows and unicorns stuff comes with other stuff, cos life is mean that way.
The person, has power over you, the power to influence your emotions, positively and negatively. His happiness is infectious – when he smiles, you smile; when he laughs, you’re laughing with him. But when his smile fades, and his eyes lower, your stomach falls, your happiness is irrelevant, and you would do anything to put the sparkle back in those eyes, be the reason that mouth opens in a laugh. You become vulnerable, susceptible to anything he throws at you. You open yourself up to being fragile, to being hurt.
I won’t say I had my heart broken this year, cos I didn’t, and even if I did, that’s way too melodramatic even for me. It was just, stepped on, not stomped on in big heavy Doc Martens, but stepped on, kinda hard, like someone running past and accidentally stepping right on top of it. But I bounce back easily, I like to think, and I’m okay. At least I learned something, and even if I didn’t, it was fun while it lasted.
So I gained a lot of things this year, new friends, new lifestyle, new interests, but I think I lost a lot of things too. A lot more that I thought I did.
This year I stopped believing, in a few things. First, relationships and love and that kind of thing, which I’m pretty much ranted-out. Another thing I stopped believing in is sense. We always believe that we will have some sort of sense to be able to rationally figure out the best/next best thing to be done in a situation, but I’ve come to realize that most of us don’t know what the heck is going on half the time. There’s the head talking, and then the heart, and then somewhere in between, good old Mr Common Sense gets shoved out of the picture, and then its the classic showdown of Head vs. Heart. (But wait, I hear you cry, isn’t Head Common Sense? No, says the emotional teenage writing this post. Head is what you know is right and logical and ideal in the Right way. Common Sense would tell you that it isn’t possible, and you need to compromise with Heart. Okay? Okay, back to my rant.) In Head vs. Heart there has to be a winner, and you don’t want either to lose. Humans are only human, saying they want to do A but ending up doing B because they didn’t see it coming, so I’ve stopped believing that people will have the sense to do things that they say they should do.
The last thing I stopped believing in, is Christianity/the church. Definition: the religion, the people, the institution. I still nod when people say “You’re Christian right?” (I think there would be an uproar in my house if I said I wasn’t Christian anymore. Cue Bible Studies and Christian Living Seminars and Discovering God classes!!!) But I honestly don’t know any more. There is so much I just don’t sit with, so much I can’t stand. So much has happened that makes me sit back and think “What the hell, Christians?” and it’s not just how some people act, its things like whole attitudes and perspectives on things. Maybe it’s just my church, not the whole Christian faith, I don’t know, but whatever it is I can’t say I believe anymore. Jesus, yes I think I still believe in that, in Him, in Him being all that he is etc etc, but I don’t know how much that counts for. When I start talking about religion and faith I get all muddled up and my writing starts going in circles ‘cos I don’t know how to say what I feel about it, so I’m just going to stop here.
I lost a lot of friends too I think. The church ones especially cos I started being all un-Christian and stuff. That kind of sucks, but then again when I think about it, they may not really see me as me now anyway, if I’m not the person that they used to be friends with. They’re friends with 2009 Christian Megan, not 2012 Cynical Megan. I do miss them though, I don’t show it, but God knows I’m a nostalgic sap, and looking at small things like Christmas cards, which even though I know are mostly just formal friendly words, just get to me and I wish I had that time with them all over again.
But that being said, I’ve also kept a lot of friends close, over distance and over time. They know me, and they know I’m still the same person, different shit, that still needs them and loves them. They may not all know specifics of my various shit, but they know that I know they’ll be there to say the right things, dry my tears, hug me or slap me depending on my situation, and just make me feel better.
My resolution this year is to be happy, same as always. Short term happy, long term happy, inside happy, outside happy. 2011 was a big year for me, so much happened and so much is happening still because of it. But no regrets no matter what, lessons learnt not to ever repeat certain things, but never regret.
Happy 2012 everyone, have fun.
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