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In the context of eternity, this is nothing, as are all our human affairs. in the context of eternity, our anxieties, our doubts, are little things, of no significance. Or, as Herrick put it, rosebuds were there to be gathered, because really, she thought, there was no proof of life beyond this one; and all that really mattered, therefore, was that happiness and love should have their chance, their brief chance, in this life, before annihilation and the nothingness to which we were all undoubtedly heading, even our sun, which was itself destined for collapse and extinction, signifying the end of the part for whosoever was left.
But she knew, even as she thought this, that we cannot live our lives as if nothing really mattered. Our concerns might be small things, but they loomed large to us. The crushing underfoot of an ants’ nest was nothing to us, but to the ants it was a cataclysmic disaster: the ruination of a city, the laying waste of a continent. There were worlds within worlds, and each will have within its confines values and meaning. It may not really matter to the world at large, thought Isabel, that I should feel happy rather than sad, but it matters to me, and the fact that it matters matters.
Went out yesterday, and for some reason I thought of you. I guess it was probably cos of where I was, and how that is basically the story of us. You were a loser, and we weren’t good, but I have to admit we did have fun. And I started thinking about how I missed that fun. But then A had a momentary meltdown and as I was taking care I realized how I’ve been coping with everything that makes me sad. I help other people. Okay I sound like some Mother Theresa or something hahaha NO. I help other people cos that helps me, helps me to take my mind off things that I don’t feel I should be thinking about.
Our problems are tiny tiny things, I tell myself that all the time. In a few months I’ll be looking back at everything that’s happening right now and saying “WHY was I all worked up over THAT?” But in the wonderfully beautiful words of Alexander McCall Smith, the fact that it matters matters. That’s our human nature isn’t it? I was just going through old posts on my LJ (wow haven’t seen that in ages…) and reliving JC life through the emotions I read there. So many things meant so much, were so important, left me crying my eyes out in a Changi Airport T2 toilet stall, but now I look at what I wrote and smile sheepishly at my melodrama.
I guess what I’m trying to tell myself right now is that, we can’t control what matters to us, and trying to pretend that it doesn’t matter just doesn’t work out. So just live, ride the roller coaster of emotion, cry, hug, write emo blog posts, because that’s what matters right now, and the fact that these things matter, matters.
So what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there’s solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say
