; Megnificent ♥

This past month with the stuff that’s been going on between us made me kind of think about what it would be like to be in a relationship for real? (This all came to me when I looked at my phone bill and saw the number of messages and the number of incoming minutes, realized how many nights I spent talking to you on the phone and how long you were the main name in my inbox! ) To have someone there all the time, to be semi responsible for that person’s feelings, to be willing and able to open up to them about things that you don’t want to or can’t tell other people.

It’s weird. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.
I’ll admit sometimes I see couples, and I think, that might be nice? To have someone who you can share stuff with, and be all couple-y with (haha!) but then I think, “Nah, Megs who are you kidding you can’t do that…”

Now I’m starting a new chapter of my life. One that you were excited for me to start, so we could “leave all this behind us” like it never happened. You (and I to some extent) were worried that this would have some kind of negative effect on me, leaving me all confused and screwing me up before I even got into my first relationship. In some way I think it may have, but that negative effect may in fact be turning me into a more mature person. I’m not so childish now, I’m a lot more cynical, and I think I don’t care so much.
With all the new people in my life now, I don’t know if what happened with you and me is a good or bad thing, but I think whatever it is, it may be over. But either way, I’m glad it happened.

For the longest time, I’ve been so worried and scared of what would happen if people I love find out about the side of me that I’ve been hiding from them. How would they react? Would they look at me differently, what would they think of me, would they stop loving me?
But yesterday I told someone, everything. Well, not Everything, but enough. She forced it out of me, but truthfully, I think a part of me wanted to be honest. I’ve been telling half-truths and hiding things for so long, it was refreshing to be honest.
And the strangest thing was how I felt after that, I expected to be filled with fear and regret and “OH GOD I shouldn’t have said anything”. But I felt so relieved and so much more peaceful?
Then I realized, that I really needn’t have worried, because if I tell someone and they look down on me, or stop loving me, then they probably weren’t much of a friend to begin with. If they’re really my friends, they’ll love me no matter what I’ve done, because I’m really just the same person, different shit.

I’m not saying that I’m going to run out and start telling everybody everything, but it was really comforting to tell someone, and to hear them say “It doesn’t matter what you did Megan, I still love you.”