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Life’s been pretty cool recently.
School’s alright, I got promoted, which is good for me I guess. But what sucks is all the people I know who can’t and who haven’t yet. I can’t exactly tell them to “Cheer up!” cos if it were me I’d prolly punch myself if I said that. The most I can offer is hugs and pats on the head and a listening ear for them to talk to, but I hate that because it just makes me seems so absolutely useless ‘cos I can’t do anything to really help them.
~
I have so much to get off my chest I just want to cry but it’s stupid to ‘cos there really is no reason to. I’m just being wimpy.
The other day I realized how I’ve been slowly phased out of people’s lives. I guess it’s my fault since I haven’t been around, but it was really a slap in the face. I didn’t realize imagine that I’d be unwanted. Unexpected maybe, awkward etc, but not unwanted. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like that, primary school maybe? When it was in the playground on the swings, but who’d have thought that 10 years later your friends do the same thing to you again? The worst part is that talking to You was so terrible, cos I could tell from your tone that you obviously wanted me to get lost but was trying to think of a nice way to put it. I appreciate it, but I’m still hurt as you can imagine. I thought we were cool y’know? Guess not. My desire to make an effort to salvage relations just totally died, cos now I see there’s nothing left to salvage is there? This feeling sucks, if you haven’t already guessed. Sucks.
Even before this stunning revelation, I’ve been missing Them but just never thought about of turning to them cos I thought I still had you. Now it really stings cos I miss them so badly but I don’t know how to go back. The old me would have gone without a backward glance but I don’t know, something’s changed over the past year and that just doesn’t seem like an option now. I hate having regrets, it’s one of the stupidest feelings you can ever have because there is absolutely no use for it. But right now that’s what I’m filled with. What I would give for a time machine. December last year, was messed up, I was emotional, confused maybe? But there was one thing I was sure of, and it was of what made me happy. So extremely and purely happy that it made the other things in life better. I knew what that was. I knew then, I know now, but I’m not doing anything about it. Except sit here and talk about it to a cyber audience I’m not even sure exists.
And You. I don’t know what to do ‘cos I’ve never done anything before. Things just feel weird and I miss you but then it all turns around and then it feels weird and then it starts going in this stupid cycle that doesn’t make sense. But it makes sense to me, ‘cos that’s what I do.
When I get close to somebody I push her away and I don’t trust myself not to do that to you.
-Shane McCutcheon (The L Word)
This sounds familiar.
