; Megnificent ♥

Just read through my diary which I’ve kept since 15th of January 2008. It was interesting? Like a novel kind of, even though I’m the author. I usually only write in this diary when I’m especially emotional, good emotional or bad emotional. And reading through 1.5 years in 20 minutes was like watching myself change. My views of people, my mindset, my attitudes, even my self control, like how I face different events that have happened over the past 20 months.
It was an interesting read.

And I’d like to think that i’ve grown up.

I’m realizing all of a sudden that I don’t have anyone to talk to. No one to tell my stuff to cos everyone’s either too distant, too diferent, or just not right.

I miss you, the old you, that was different from the new you. Do I even make sense? I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s almost 1 in the morning and all I can do is sit here and think of you and me.
I’m feeling like a loser again, losing everyone.

I’m scared and it sucks.

I don’t know what’s going on now, its all foreign to me, weird and strange, but nowadays, weird and strange is becoming normal, so I don’t even know what to think anymore. Who’s even genuine in all of this, who really gives a shit? For crying out loud, what the hell is happening?
Paranoia and uncertainty are mixing and I have to admit that for once, I am scared.

Don’t like this “being scared” thing.

Grades are a mess, I’m totally not motivated to study or anything even though I KNOW I’ll retain for sure if I don’t get down to it. Sometimes its like, why am I doing this again? Feels so pointless and I just want to quit school and join the circus and go all over the world or move to Spain and join a dance troupe or something ridiculous like that.
But I’m here now, and I have to do what I’m supposed to. I’m a student and my responsibility now is, to study and do well. SIGH LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES.

~

The other night I was trying to fall asleep and I started thinking about death and why people are afraid of it. I thought about why I don’t want to die, and I think I don’t want to die cos it’ll make other people sad. Sounds so noble and all, but its true!
I’ll go out on a limb here and say that, if I die tomorrow, it’ll prolly make people sad The thought of people crying and mourning for me, lining up to put flowers on my coffin, just gives me chills and I don’t want to be the source of grief for all these people!
So, noble as it may sound, the reason I don’t want to die is because I don’t want to make other people sad. If I were completely alone, I wouldn’t mind, cos if I die, I’ll just be dead.

Then I started thinking that I don’t want to die cos there are so many things that haven’t happened yet. Things I haven’t experienced, like falling in love or breaking a bone or having sex or even just DRIVING; and more importantly: things I haven’t had the chance/courage to do, like tell certain people how much I love them.

And then I think I fell asleep.

This has been a rather morbid post

I know we don’t talk anymore, and when we actually do have the chance, we don’t ever say much. But don’t forget me, please. I hope things can go back to how they were last time when we were close and talked about everything and anything. But for now, I miss you super a lot.