; Megnificent ♥

Today I felt like my stomach dropped out of my system. Ultimate Deja Vu, and it wasn’t pretty. Its an awful awful feeling, something I remember feeling 2 years ago, and hoped to God I would NEVER feel again. But who knew?
Thoughts of before just came flooding back to me today, it made me feel worse than ever, just remembering how awful and stupid and blind I felt, how I finally got my head out of the clouds and realized I was really and truly lost.
To realize something wasn’t what you thought it was all along, to realize that things weren’t what they seemed, to realize that what you thought was good turned out to be bad, so, so bad.
To feel like a gullible little child, when you thought things were going perfectly, when you thought someone cared, when you thought that for once, things were going to turn out fine, and have those thoughts killed in one swift blow.

At least that didn’t happen today, for which I am so so thankful, that I’ve managed to keep things to a simple level, where it doesn’t hurt so bad.
Though that came back today. Not as bad as before of course, never; but pretty darn close.

I’ve told myself before, don’t get so affected by things, cos everything is temporal, what you think is the most important thing today, may as well mean nothing to you tomorrow. It hurts now, but don’t make a big deal about it, cos it will go away. Now of course, it seems like the only thing you can think of, the only thing that fills your mind, what you think of anytime you have a spare moment. But it will go away, and you’ll realize what an idot you were to care so much before.

A small part of me wants to throw away all that I felt, how I was happy and stupid, but most  of me just wants to carry on because it makes me happy on that superficial level that matters so much to me.

Why I am I always so easily affected.