; Megnificent ♥

Reading my previous post made me a little embarrassed kind of, I sound really distressed and emotional. I realize that it really wasn’t the incident that made me upset, but more of what/who it reminded me of.
So, not to worry. Those who actually know what the incident was, fret not, I am not so retarded to be upset about such a trivial thing.

Recently I’ve spent a little more time with a group I’ve drifted from. I miss things with them, talking, laughing, about anything and everything. These people I know I can actually trust, people who, despite what they seem to be, actually care and look out for me, and though they may sometimes seem to be changing, I can rest assured that they’ll always be the same.

I have so much to say, so many things I’m thinking about right now, but they don’t really have anything to do with what I’ve said, so another time.

Today I felt like my stomach dropped out of my system. Ultimate Deja Vu, and it wasn’t pretty. Its an awful awful feeling, something I remember feeling 2 years ago, and hoped to God I would NEVER feel again. But who knew?
Thoughts of before just came flooding back to me today, it made me feel worse than ever, just remembering how awful and stupid and blind I felt, how I finally got my head out of the clouds and realized I was really and truly lost.
To realize something wasn’t what you thought it was all along, to realize that things weren’t what they seemed, to realize that what you thought was good turned out to be bad, so, so bad.
To feel like a gullible little child, when you thought things were going perfectly, when you thought someone cared, when you thought that for once, things were going to turn out fine, and have those thoughts killed in one swift blow.

At least that didn’t happen today, for which I am so so thankful, that I’ve managed to keep things to a simple level, where it doesn’t hurt so bad.
Though that came back today. Not as bad as before of course, never; but pretty darn close.

I’ve told myself before, don’t get so affected by things, cos everything is temporal, what you think is the most important thing today, may as well mean nothing to you tomorrow. It hurts now, but don’t make a big deal about it, cos it will go away. Now of course, it seems like the only thing you can think of, the only thing that fills your mind, what you think of anytime you have a spare moment. But it will go away, and you’ll realize what an idot you were to care so much before.

A small part of me wants to throw away all that I felt, how I was happy and stupid, but most  of me just wants to carry on because it makes me happy on that superficial level that matters so much to me.

Why I am I always so easily affected.

I haven’t been here in a while. I usually come here when I feel less superficial, when I actually have stuff to think about, that I need to think about, that I can’t find an outlet for. Now’s a time.
It’s ironic though, I’ve been feeling a little happier lately. School’s been fun, on the fun part; the work part, not so good, but I’m dealing with that, kind of :B It doesn’t take much to make me smile now, it’s fun to be this kind of person again, makes life seem so much simpler and happy.

But. Drifting. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Sucks really, not being around people that I used to be close to, used to mean more to me. Half of me is sad that I’ve drifted, but the other half is being stubborn, not wanting to do anything about it, cos I don’t think it’s entirely my fault. And now, I really don’t know which side to slap and shut up, which side to listen to. Life is weird that way.

I’ve always believed in “Absense makes the heart grow fonder” (As well as vice versa. But that’s another (long)story.) But it hasn’t really kicked in yet. I’m feeling pangs that hurt when I realize that things are going on, moving on without me, I feel sad when I see people getting on fine without me there.
But there it is again, Change, my old friend. And I think I’ve learnt to deal with it, really.
I hear someone in the back of my head going, “Deal with it Meg, that’s life, it going to be like that whether you like it or not.” That makes me sad too, cos it’s been forever since I’ve heard something like that from someone like that.

Well I am dealing with it. Tuck it away in some corner, to block out or to keep and cherish, whatever, but get on with life.

On another note, I am glad I have superficial things to make me happy. Yes, back to my happy, simple life blog now.