; Megnificent ♥

You can set an alarm, mark it on a calendar, tattoo it on your skin and still the last time doesn’t need your permission. What you count on is that you have the power to end things, to label people ‘never again,’ to say farewell forever and mean it.

Three times now, and I’m going to close this chapter. I don’t know what could have been, and I don’t think I will, but that is something I’m going to have to live with, because I tried, and to try again would be useless. I don’t understand what happened, at all, and I’m hoping sometime in the future, we may come to a point where questions can be answered, and maybe the chapter reopened, but for now I’m dealing with it.

Yes it’s 15 days into the new year, and I have finally gotten round to summing up last year. At first I thought “Oh well what’s the big deal, it doesn’t really matter whether or not I write, right?” WRONG, I need closure from this one heck of a year. Here we go.

So, 2011. Big year. Lots of new things, I started driving lessons, got my first job(s), got my driving license (!), permed my hair (twice, and I’m stopping), got my A level results!!! I got into NUS FASS, moved into Eusoff, made lots of new friends, survived my first sem of uni; but ironically though this has been one of the most eventful and memorable years of my life, it feels like one of the shortest too.

Aside from all the big happy memorable things, there was also a ton of other stuff that, let’s just say, I wouldn’t tell my mother. Lots of drama, oh god the drama. Boys are trouble, that’s what ‘ve learnt (haha so cute uh), not to mention crazy ex-es, raging hormones, horny army boys, secrets and lies, etc etc. I make my life sound like a soap, but to be honest, there was a good part of the year when I thought my life would actually make a pretty good plot line for some teen-drama kind of show. This year was a year of growing up, learning new things and seeing the world differently, a bit more cynically.
This year we clubbed a lot. There, I said it, so the people who are judging me, y’all can just stop reading now and go tell my mom and my pastor and the rest of the church so they can stone me hahaha (Y) Okay serious face 8| I think the increased freedom that I get now that I stay in hall is awesome, cos I don’t have to be accountable to my parents about my whereabouts 24/7, which yes, sounds kind of childish, but it’s also taught me responsibility o-KAY (insert angelic-wide-eyed-”who me?” look) And when I say I grew up a lot this year, I grew old too, I can’t last as long as I used to! I’M GETTING OLD I’M GOING TO BE TWENTY MY YOUTH IS FADING AWAY INTO OBLIVION D: (okay the getting old meltdown will need a whole post on its own) I can see it now, by 22 I will have stopped clubbing because I need to be in bed by 12.
A lot of the fun that I had this year (N.B. fun = people = guys = yes yes I know I know) was because of clubbing, and I had some good times with genuinely good people. Jerks and douches are out there, of course, which is probably also why this year I had a “just play play lah” kind of attitude to everything (okay, everyone, same same)

Despite the “play-play” world view, something happened that I really regret – letting myself like someone. I have a love-hate relationship with liking someone, and the whole relationship thing basically. Its wonderful, having someone who you adore, who you can talk to and laugh with, someone that makes you feel all “life is better when I’m with you”; someone whose texts make you grin cornily at your phone; someone who you can call at 2 in the morning crying and they’ll just sit there waiting, listening to you choke out random words that don’t make sense, until they finally start to make sense; someone you can talk to the whole night, and only realize when you see the sun rising; someone who gets you, and you get, and you feel so comfortable, like it was meant to be from the moment you met. But all that jolly happy rainbows and unicorns stuff comes with other stuff, cos life is mean that way.
The person, has power over you, the power to influence your emotions, positively and negatively. His happiness is infectious – when he smiles, you smile; when he laughs, you’re laughing with him. But when his smile fades, and his eyes lower, your stomach falls, your happiness is irrelevant, and you would do anything to put the sparkle back in those eyes, be the reason that mouth opens in a laugh. You become vulnerable, susceptible to anything he throws at you. You open yourself up to being fragile, to being hurt.

I won’t say I had my heart broken this year, cos I didn’t, and even if I did, that’s way too melodramatic even for me. It was just, stepped on, not stomped on in big heavy Doc Martens, but stepped on, kinda hard, like someone running past and accidentally stepping right on top of it. But I bounce back easily, I like to think, and I’m okay. At least I learned something, and even if I didn’t, it was fun while it lasted.

So I gained a lot of things this year, new friends, new lifestyle, new interests, but I think I lost a lot of things too. A lot more that I thought I did.
This year I stopped believing, in a few things. First, relationships and love and that kind of thing, which I’m pretty much ranted-out. Another thing I stopped believing in is sense. We always believe that we will have some sort of sense to be able to rationally figure out the best/next best thing to be done in a situation, but I’ve come to realize that most of us don’t know what the heck is going on half the time. There’s the head talking, and then the heart, and then somewhere in between, good old Mr Common Sense gets shoved out of the picture, and then its the classic showdown of Head vs. Heart. (But wait, I hear you cry, isn’t Head Common Sense? No, says the emotional teenage writing this post. Head is what you know is right and logical and ideal in the Right way. Common Sense would tell you that it isn’t possible, and you need to compromise with Heart. Okay? Okay, back to my rant.) In Head vs. Heart there has to be a winner, and you don’t want either to lose. Humans are only human, saying they want to do A but ending up doing B because they didn’t see it coming, so I’ve stopped believing that people will have the sense to do things that they say they should do.
The last thing I stopped believing in, is Christianity/the church. Definition: the religion, the people, the institution. I still nod when people say “You’re Christian right?” (I think there would be an uproar in my house if I said I wasn’t Christian anymore. Cue Bible Studies and Christian Living Seminars and Discovering God classes!!!) But I honestly don’t know any more. There is so much I just don’t sit with, so much I can’t stand. So much has happened that makes me sit back and think “What the hell, Christians?” and it’s not just how some people act, its things like whole attitudes and perspectives on things. Maybe it’s just my church, not the whole Christian faith, I don’t know, but whatever it is I can’t say I believe anymore. Jesus, yes I think I still believe in that, in Him, in Him being all that he is etc etc, but I don’t know how much that counts for. When I start talking about religion and faith I get all muddled up and my writing starts going in circles ‘cos I don’t know how to say what I feel about it, so I’m just going to stop here.

I lost a lot of friends too I think. The church ones especially cos I started being all un-Christian and stuff. That kind of sucks, but then again when I think about it, they may not really see me as me now anyway, if I’m not the person that they used to be friends with. They’re friends with 2009 Christian Megan, not 2012 Cynical Megan. I do miss them though, I don’t show it, but God knows I’m a nostalgic sap, and looking at small things like Christmas cards, which even though I know are mostly just formal friendly words, just get to me and I wish I had that time with them all over again.
But that being said, I’ve also kept a lot of friends close, over distance and over time. They know me, and they know I’m still the same person, different shit, that still needs them and loves them. They may not all know specifics of my various shit, but they know that I know they’ll be there to say the right things, dry my tears, hug me or slap me depending on my situation, and just make me feel better.

My resolution this year is to be happy, same as always. Short term happy, long term happy, inside happy, outside happy. 2011 was a big year for me, so much happened and so much is happening still because of it. But no regrets no matter what, lessons learnt not to ever repeat certain things, but never regret.

Happy 2012 everyone, have fun.

At first I didn’t really know why I was taking this so hard. It’s not like I’m the type of person who gets affected by this kind of thing. But now that I’ve had time to think about it, and also the fact that it’s happened twice, I’m starting to get it.

It’s not about him. It could be anyone, he isn’t special. The issue I’m dealing with here is not getting what I want. I sound like a princess but I have to be honest with myself.
When these things happen, when there’s even a small hint that I might want something, I usually get it. What happens after that is irrelevant, because it can go either way. But this time, when nothing happened, I didn’t know how to react.

If I had gotten what I wanted, I’m more than sure that I wouldn’t be thinking about it so much. But the thing that’s bugging me now is the idea of something that could have been, but never was, and thinking about that is bloody killing me!

What makes it worse is that it’s happened twice now. I don’t understand this, I don’t understand myself, I just know that I want something that I don’t have and I’m driving myself insane thinking about it.

I’ve become really bored with life lately, and I realize that the whole year, I’ve had something to do, to entertain myself with, to play with really. But now I don’t. Haven’t for about a couple of months now, and I feel so weird… (Oh no I’m becoming one of those)

But then again, I’ve found my 17 again pill and that makes me unexplainably happy. Sharing the moments with one of the people who was there when I was 17 makes it even better. I love how silly and ridiculous this whole thing is because that’s what makes it so fun. Prancing around like a demented fairy and smiling so wide my cheeks hurt, it’s been a while since I’ve unconsciously acted that way, and so help me God, I am going to treasure this!

Sounding like a 5 year old again, but who cares

I’m so tired of all the emotional stuff, how it’s been making me feel so tired and sad all the time. Done with feeling that way, because yesterday I realize I have something that makes me feel 17 again.

Flashback to 2 years ago: the butterflies and the quickening pulse and the simplicity (for lack of a better word) of my emotions. The excitement that could come from a glance, knees weakening at a smile, and being struck speechless when actually striking up a conversation. Close enough to be real but far enough for me to know where I stand.

Wish life could always be as simple as it was when I was 17

In the context of eternity, this is nothing, as are all our human affairs. in the context of eternity, our anxieties, our doubts, are little things, of no significance. Or, as Herrick put it, rosebuds were there to be gathered, because really, she thought, there was no proof of life beyond this one; and all that really mattered, therefore, was that happiness and love should have their chance, their brief chance, in this life, before annihilation and the nothingness to which we were all undoubtedly heading, even our sun, which was itself destined for collapse and extinction, signifying the end of the part for whosoever was left.
But she knew, even as she thought this, that we cannot live our lives as if nothing really mattered. Our concerns might be small things, but they loomed large to us. The crushing underfoot of an ants’ nest was nothing to us, but to the ants it was a cataclysmic disaster: the ruination of a city, the laying waste of a continent. There were worlds within worlds, and each will have within its confines values and meaning. It may not really matter to the world at large, thought Isabel, that I should feel happy rather than sad, but it matters to me, and the fact that it matters matters.

Went out yesterday, and for some reason I thought of you. I guess it was probably cos of where I was, and how that is basically the story of us. You were a loser, and we weren’t good, but I have to admit we did have fun. And I started thinking about how I missed that fun. But then A had a momentary meltdown and as I was taking care I realized how I’ve been coping with everything that makes me sad. I help other people. Okay I sound like some Mother Theresa or something hahaha NO. I help other people cos that helps me, helps me to take my mind off things that I don’t feel I should be thinking about.

Our problems are tiny tiny things, I tell myself that all the time. In a few months I’ll be looking back at everything that’s happening right now and saying “WHY was I all worked up over THAT?” But in the wonderfully beautiful words of Alexander McCall Smith, the fact that it matters matters. That’s our human nature isn’t it? I was just going through old posts on my LJ (wow haven’t seen that in ages…) and reliving JC life through the emotions I read there. So many things meant so much, were so important, left me crying my eyes out in a Changi Airport T2 toilet stall, but now I look at what I wrote and smile sheepishly at my melodrama.

I guess what I’m trying to tell myself right now is that, we can’t control what matters to us, and trying to pretend that it doesn’t matter just doesn’t work out. So just live, ride the roller coaster of emotion, cry, hug, write emo blog posts, because that’s what matters right now, and the fact that these things matter, matters.

So what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there’s solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say

I don’t like talking to you or seeing you very much nowadays. One reason is ‘cos you’ll probably talk about that one thing that I really couldn’t care less about, and also the fact that other than that, there really isn’t anything we have to talk about.
But the main reason by far, is how you make me feel. When I look at you I feel horrible, when I look at you I am reminded of everything, and that makes me feel sick. I look at where we are now, and I feel used, like some toy you no longer have a use for.
I guess I do have myself to blame for that, I was willing to be that toy, I thought the game was fun. I don’t deny it was. But the outcome was more than I expected. I didn’t think about how toys feel after they’ve been played with. Used. Cheap. I don’t like how I feel when I look at you, what I think about when I see you.

I’m angry with myself. For not being able to control how I feel, and letting it take over me and influence how I’ve been acting, I don’t want to be this person. I wasn’t. The old me wouldn’t have gotten so far, she wouldn’t have let herself get this close. Close enough to know things like how you talk, how you laugh, how you aren’t as loud as you appear to be, how you use violence as an outlet when you’re upset, how you like to talk about things but you don’t really like to think about them; and close enough to know that I’ll miss these weird things when I stop talking to you.

I don’t want this kind of attachment, I haven’t done this in a while, like someone for who they are, not what they look like or the first impression they give me. Talking to you and spending time with you is comfortable, and not awkward and I don’t feel nervous, it feels right, like its natural and supposed to be this way.
And that just isn’t going to work out.

This past month with the stuff that’s been going on between us made me kind of think about what it would be like to be in a relationship for real? (This all came to me when I looked at my phone bill and saw the number of messages and the number of incoming minutes, realized how many nights I spent talking to you on the phone and how long you were the main name in my inbox! ) To have someone there all the time, to be semi responsible for that person’s feelings, to be willing and able to open up to them about things that you don’t want to or can’t tell other people.

It’s weird. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.
I’ll admit sometimes I see couples, and I think, that might be nice? To have someone who you can share stuff with, and be all couple-y with (haha!) but then I think, “Nah, Megs who are you kidding you can’t do that…”

Now I’m starting a new chapter of my life. One that you were excited for me to start, so we could “leave all this behind us” like it never happened. You (and I to some extent) were worried that this would have some kind of negative effect on me, leaving me all confused and screwing me up before I even got into my first relationship. In some way I think it may have, but that negative effect may in fact be turning me into a more mature person. I’m not so childish now, I’m a lot more cynical, and I think I don’t care so much.
With all the new people in my life now, I don’t know if what happened with you and me is a good or bad thing, but I think whatever it is, it may be over. But either way, I’m glad it happened.

For the longest time, I’ve been so worried and scared of what would happen if people I love find out about the side of me that I’ve been hiding from them. How would they react? Would they look at me differently, what would they think of me, would they stop loving me?
But yesterday I told someone, everything. Well, not Everything, but enough. She forced it out of me, but truthfully, I think a part of me wanted to be honest. I’ve been telling half-truths and hiding things for so long, it was refreshing to be honest.
And the strangest thing was how I felt after that, I expected to be filled with fear and regret and “OH GOD I shouldn’t have said anything”. But I felt so relieved and so much more peaceful?
Then I realized, that I really needn’t have worried, because if I tell someone and they look down on me, or stop loving me, then they probably weren’t much of a friend to begin with. If they’re really my friends, they’ll love me no matter what I’ve done, because I’m really just the same person, different shit.

I’m not saying that I’m going to run out and start telling everybody everything, but it was really comforting to tell someone, and to hear them say “It doesn’t matter what you did Megan, I still love you.”